Focus on Living

Yesterday, as I was driving on the highway, a cat crossed the road insanely. My heart skipped a beat, and I don’t even like cats that much. Multiple cars almost hit it but it managed to escape and reach the other side safely. Crazy cat!
In my country, people are just as crazy. I don’t understand how one would willingly cross a highway. I don’t understand why anyone would try willingly to put him or herself in death’s path.

I’ve never seen death happen in front of me and yesterday’s encounter confirmed to me that I wouldn’t be able to handle it anyway.

I make myself believe that I have a special relationship with death, although I know it’s not the case. But I feel like it’s been my companion for as long as I can remember. Not a friend, not a foe, but something that is constantly around: sometimes to threaten you, sometimes to remind you that there is always a way out.

I always try to picture ahead of time how I would react to losing someone. I see myself at a complete loss, numb, empty.
I cannot stand formalities and I don’t even know how people do it. I see my father taking care of things, making sure everything is right for the funeral.
I think of doctors, how do they do it? Dealing with death on a possibly daily basis.
People at cemeteries. Do they just ignore it and consider it a regular job? Or is it the opposite? Is it hard for them to go to work every day and face these souls and their graves? Or is it some kind of mission, a way to make them a little bit less lonely?

My fear of death has always trapped and consumed me, from the first time I understood the concept of losing one’s life. And I don’t think I’m superstitious but on repeated occasions, when I see a hearse, something bad happens during my day.
Something deeply shakes me at the thought of people losing their lives. I start to imagine what they were doing before, did it hurt, were they lonely, were they aware, did they feel loved, especially at the end?

Five years ago, in October, I lost two people I respected and cared for very much. They died two days apart. It was one of the hardest periods I’ve ever been through, especially that one of these deaths came to me completely unexpectedly as she was my age, young and dynamic. One I admired for always being so full of life. Losing them made the world a much darker place and I thought life wouldn’t get any better.

It always makes me think how human get over someone. I mean I do it too, but it just feels weird to move one, to live, to carry on despite the loss.
It doesn’t take much too, you get used to it. One morning after the other, it gets better.
I hate this idea. I mean, it’s going to happen to you too. One day, you’re going to die and people will get used to your absence. It’s awful. It’s not their fault and it doesn’t matter how much they love you, they’ll move on and you’ll be added to the long list of people who are from the past.

I’m not saying I’m still hung up on the deaths in my life.
The first time I laughed after that October, it felt very weird and inappropriate. But then it happened again and I learned to accept that it’s okay. I even made jokes sometimes, went out and slowly left the grieving bubble but I was hoping they knew that they were both on my mind.

I want someone, just one, to remember me constantly when I’m gone.

“When I’m gone”. It’s never an “if” but always a “when”. I don’t know about you, but this keeps me up at night. How can we fall asleep so easily if there is always the possibility of never waking up?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean I want immortality. Not at all. This is not about living forever. This is more about having enough time. Enough time and the proper guidance to consistently remind me that I should try to forget death at least a little bit and focus on living instead.

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I’m no longer twenty

I woke up today determined to seriously change the way my life is going, determined to find answers to all the questions that have been haunting me for the past twenty years or so. Because yes, I am at an age where I can say “twenty years ago”.

You see I’m no longer twenty. Well actually, that’s an understatement since I’m almost thirty. As I come closer to those scary double digits, a billion idea goes through my brain.

Do you feel sometimes that things are out of your control? That time is flying by and you’re there witnessing so much change that you cannot do anything about? Do you feel like yesterday you were barely graduating from school and here you are surrounded by friends getting engaged, married, having kids, succeeding in their careers, making money, being all responsible? On the other hand, you’re not ready for any of it yet. Things are moving on such a fast pace that you can’t keep up with them anymore.

Is it that bad that I just want to spend days not leaving the house playing video games for five hours straight, eating chips, drinking soda and not having to worry about a paycheck or about being a freelance and the risk of not having work tomorrow or next week. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even allowed to think that way at my age.

I may be turning thirty soon but I really don’t know how time passed. I don’t only feel much younger than that, I feel like my mental age is still cruising in its teenage years. Maybe this is some sort of a wake-up call because I always thought being twenty is going to last, which is totally naive. I guess I never really pictured myself growing up. But now, I’m left with no choice and I really really must grow up.

So on the eve of my twenty-sixth birthday, I decide to make the absolute best of these four years, to grow up on my own pace and to come of age at the right time

Random Second Thoughts

  1. I have second thoughts about everything – including this post.

  2. I always wonder how many calories does Nathan Drake burn while climbing every time I play Uncharted.

  3. I hate the littles voices in my head – and they are many.

  4. I think second opinions make things even more confusing.

  5. I have an unlimited number of phobias including fear of heights, snakes and rats.

  6. I love to quote other people.

  7. “Writing is rewriting” – my screenwriting teachers (every one of them).

  8. I had a happy childhood and I don’t have a sob story.

  9. Death scares the shit out of me.

  10. I don’t have anything interesting to say today.


Second Thoughts

Painkiller

Sometimes you don’t realize how desperate you actually are until you lose what you find the most precious.

At that point, you understand that they saved you and kept you breathing. This is when everything becomes crystal clear: you are nothing without them. They may hurt you or disappoint you sometimes, you might not agree on everything but one thing remains true, they are the reason you are still alive to this day, they are the reason you wake up everyday with the willingness to live another day, with the joy of being alive.

And if one moment they’re gone, your entire world collapses right before your eyes and this love for life disappears instantly. And not for a short while, it vanishes forever.

Because the one thing that actually matters has been taken away and you’re left with a huge hole where your heart use to be. It’s simple math really: if you were nothing before them, then you’re a 0. Add them to your life that’s a 0+1 equals 1. Now that they’re gone, you’re nothing again.

And you’re left with a terrible morbid feeling of complete hopelessness and a single lonely wish: to be granted a quick and strong painkiller and finally get some rest.