I’m no longer twenty

I woke up today determined to seriously change the way my life is going, determined to find answers to all the questions that have been haunting me for the past twenty years or so. Because yes, I am at an age where I can say “twenty years ago”.

You see I’m no longer twenty. Well actually, that’s an understatement since I’m almost thirty. As I come closer to those scary double digits, a billion idea goes through my brain.

Do you feel sometimes that things are out of your control? That time is flying by and you’re there witnessing so much change that you cannot do anything about? Do you feel like yesterday you were barely graduating from school and here you are surrounded by friends getting engaged, married, having kids, succeeding in their careers, making money, being all responsible? On the other hand, you’re not ready for any of it yet. Things are moving on such a fast pace that you can’t keep up with them anymore.

Is it that bad that I just want to spend days not leaving the house playing video games for five hours straight, eating chips, drinking soda and not having to worry about a paycheck or about being a freelance and the risk of not having work tomorrow or next week. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even allowed to think that way at my age.

I may be turning thirty soon but I really don’t know how time passed. I don’t only feel much younger than that, I feel like my mental age is still cruising in its teenage years. Maybe this is some sort of a wake-up call because I always thought being twenty is going to last, which is totally naive. I guess I never really pictured myself growing up. But now, I’m left with no choice and I really really must grow up.

So on the eve of my twenty-sixth birthday, I decide to make the absolute best of these four years, to grow up on my own pace and to come of age at the right time

Random Second Thoughts

  1. I have second thoughts about everything – including this post.

  2. I always wonder how many calories does Nathan Drake burn while climbing every time I play Uncharted.

  3. I hate the littles voices in my head – and they are many.

  4. I think second opinions make things even more confusing.

  5. I have an unlimited number of phobias including fear of heights, snakes and rats.

  6. I love to quote other people.

  7. “Writing is rewriting” – my screenwriting teachers (every one of them).

  8. I had a happy childhood and I don’t have a sob story.

  9. Death scares the shit out of me.

  10. I don’t have anything interesting to say today.


Second Thoughts

Painkiller

Sometimes you don’t realize how desperate you actually are until you lose what you find the most precious.

At that point, you understand that they saved you and kept you breathing. This is when everything becomes crystal clear: you are nothing without them. They may hurt you or disappoint you sometimes, you might not agree on everything but one thing remains true, they are the reason you are still alive to this day, they are the reason you wake up everyday with the willingness to live another day, with the joy of being alive.

And if one moment they’re gone, your entire world collapses right before your eyes and this love for life disappears instantly. And not for a short while, it vanishes forever.

Because the one thing that actually matters has been taken away and you’re left with a huge hole where your heart use to be. It’s simple math really: if you were nothing before them, then you’re a 0. Add them to your life that’s a 0+1 equals 1. Now that they’re gone, you’re nothing again.

And you’re left with a terrible morbid feeling of complete hopelessness and a single lonely wish: to be granted a quick and strong painkiller and finally get some rest.