I Want To Die

“I want to die.”

He never took these words lightly. He knew what they meant and he knew that he meant it when he said them.

“I want to die.”

“Why?”

“I’m not happy anymore.”

He laughed.

“No one’s happy, that’s not enough for you to kill yourself.”

He thought about that for a moment then repeated.

“I want to die.”

He shook his head.

“I’m done with life. I’m not happy. I’ve been thinking too much. I’m tired. I feel like I keep apologising to people whether I’m guilty or not. I feel like I’m giving so much to everyone and I receive nothing in return.”

“You are loved by so many. Your parents, your sisters, your girlfriend, your friends, your coworkers, everyone!”

“I’ve tried to be good. I love them all very much…”

“But?”

“I’m tired. I’ve always been a good person but it never seemed to stop bad things from happening to me.”

“You’re exaggerating!”

“I’m not. I want peace.”

“You’re lacking faith that’s it.”

“I’m not sure who or what I believe in anymore.”

“God?”

“I was into Karma for a while. The law of cause and effect. You do good things, good things happen to you. How long was I supposed to wait for this to actually happen? I’m tired of waiting. I’ve become so impatient.”

“History repeats itself until we learn the lessons. Karma tells you that.”

He took a deep breath.

“Last month, I called a suicide prevention hotline. A woman answered and yelled at me for even thinking about it.”

“That’s not what’s supposed to happen!”

“I know. She apologised. Said she was having a bad day.”

He chuckled.

“She told me all about it: Her cat died, her father had been diagnosed with stage four cancer and the landlord threatened to kick her out if they wouldn’t pay the rent on time.”

“Sounds like she has it pretty bad.”

He nodded.

“Yes. I called her a couple days ago to check up on her.”

“And?”

“Her dad died.”

“Shame.”

He nodded again.

“But didn’t it put things in perspective?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like didn’t it make you think that you have it so much better than so many people, that you should try and enjoy your life?”

He thought for a moment.

“I want to die.”

“Unbelievable! Fine you want to die. You want to die. Die! God! You know? You’re so ungrateful!”

“I know…”

“You got a roof over your head. Food every morning, lunch and dinner. People who love you. A job you love. Every person in their right mind will tell you that you are out of your damn mind for thinking for even a second about suicide!”

“I can’t help it.”

“It’s just a phase. You will get over it. You will be happy again.”

“I don’t think so.”

“I promise.”

“I already gave up.”

“You are selfish.”

“I know.”

“And a coward!”

“I know.”

“And weak!”

“I know.”

“You know! You know! Then why?”

“I don’t want to live anymore.”

He sighs.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I don’t think I’ll make it to Christmas dinner this year.”

He took one last look at the mirror then walked away.

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