In a Perfect World

On his twelve’s birthday, Mark was stuck in the elevator for two hours and missed his own party.

On his graduation day, Mark fell down the stairs and broke his left arm and hurt his back.

On his first day at college, Mark had his appendix removed – after it exploded in his stomach.

On Valentines Day, Mark’s date never showed up.

On his twentieth birthday, Mark smashed his brand new car into a wall.

On his first day at work, Mark broke the flush of the office’s toilet.

On his first date with his future wife, Mark’s grandmother passed away.

On his wedding day, Mark hurt himself while shaving.

On a Sunday night, Mark accidentally dropped his iPhone in the toilet.

Mark is unlucky.

In a perfect world, Mark should have been lucky. But this was not perfect world because:

On his son’s birthdate that year, Mark was running to the hospital from work. Mark waited impatiently and crossed the street when the light was green. But the taxi driver never saw him.

I Want To Die

“I want to die.”

He never took these words lightly. He knew what they meant and he knew that he meant it when he said them.

“I want to die.”

“Why?”

“I’m not happy anymore.”

He laughed.

“No one’s happy, that’s not enough for you to kill yourself.”

He thought about that for a moment then repeated.

“I want to die.”

He shook his head.

“I’m done with life. I’m not happy. I’ve been thinking too much. I’m tired. I feel like I keep apologising to people whether I’m guilty or not. I feel like I’m giving so much to everyone and I receive nothing in return.”

“You are loved by so many. Your parents, your sisters, your girlfriend, your friends, your coworkers, everyone!”

“I’ve tried to be good. I love them all very much…”

“But?”

“I’m tired. I’ve always been a good person but it never seemed to stop bad things from happening to me.”

“You’re exaggerating!”

“I’m not. I want peace.”

“You’re lacking faith that’s it.”

“I’m not sure who or what I believe in anymore.”

“God?”

“I was into Karma for a while. The law of cause and effect. You do good things, good things happen to you. How long was I supposed to wait for this to actually happen? I’m tired of waiting. I’ve become so impatient.”

“History repeats itself until we learn the lessons. Karma tells you that.”

He took a deep breath.

“Last month, I called a suicide prevention hotline. A woman answered and yelled at me for even thinking about it.”

“That’s not what’s supposed to happen!”

“I know. She apologised. Said she was having a bad day.”

He chuckled.

“She told me all about it: Her cat died, her father had been diagnosed with stage four cancer and the landlord threatened to kick her out if they wouldn’t pay the rent on time.”

“Sounds like she has it pretty bad.”

He nodded.

“Yes. I called her a couple days ago to check up on her.”

“And?”

“Her dad died.”

“Shame.”

He nodded again.

“But didn’t it put things in perspective?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like didn’t it make you think that you have it so much better than so many people, that you should try and enjoy your life?”

He thought for a moment.

“I want to die.”

“Unbelievable! Fine you want to die. You want to die. Die! God! You know? You’re so ungrateful!”

“I know…”

“You got a roof over your head. Food every morning, lunch and dinner. People who love you. A job you love. Every person in their right mind will tell you that you are out of your damn mind for thinking for even a second about suicide!”

“I can’t help it.”

“It’s just a phase. You will get over it. You will be happy again.”

“I don’t think so.”

“I promise.”

“I already gave up.”

“You are selfish.”

“I know.”

“And a coward!”

“I know.”

“And weak!”

“I know.”

“You know! You know! Then why?”

“I don’t want to live anymore.”

He sighs.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I don’t think I’ll make it to Christmas dinner this year.”

He took one last look at the mirror then walked away.

Songs I Wish I Wrote

So apparently lists are a big hit so here is one where I basically just wish out loud that I was brilliant enough to write the following songs. This will most probably turn out to be a never-ending list, so there might a part two or ten.
Keep in my mind that the songs on the list are in no particular order.

Songs I Wish I Wrote:

  • Common People by Pulp, released in 1995 on the album Different Class.
    I had to start it somewhere. So it started there.

 

  • The Answer by Blue October, released in 1998 on the album The Answers.
    To be honest, almost any song written by Justin Furstenfeld applies to this category. “I’m an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people.

 

  • No Hope by The Vaccines, released in 2012 on the album Come of Age.
    I believe this is the song that represents me the most. Having to grow up and not being ready at all. Not knowing what your next step should be. Coming of age basically (more on that in an upcoming post, stay tuned).

 

 

  • C’est une belle journée by Mylène Farmer, released in 2002 on the album (Best of) Les Mots. (The link will take you to the live version).
    The song was originally conceived as “It’s a beautiful day, I’m going to kill myself” according to Farmer (“C’est une belle journée, je vais me tuer” instead of “je vais me coucher”). “Going to bed” became her euphemism for suicide.

 

  • You & Me by Penny and The Quarters. This song was featured on one of my favourite films Blue Valentine (a film that you must watch if you haven’t already).

 

  • Sleepwalker by The Wallflowers, released in 2000 on the album Breach.
    I’m in your movie and everyone looks sad.

 

  • O Children by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds, released in 2004 on the album Abattoir Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus.
    Confession time: I was introduced to the song while watching Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part I during the infamous (and underrated in my opinion) Hermione/Harry dance scene. I was completely drawn to it and it became one of my favourites.

 

  • Name in Stone by Dead Man’s Bones, released in 2009.In case you haven’t heard of Dead Man’s Bones, I recommend you read this and I’ll let you discover them.

 

  • Asleep by The Smith, released in 1987 on the album The World Won’t Listen, aka the song that in my opinion should have been the song that makes you feel infinite.

 

I think I’ll limit myself to these ten for tonight but I’ll definitely keep this list going so make sure to check it.


This post is a part of the Discover Challenge.

Random Second Thoughts

  1. I have second thoughts about everything – including this post.

  2. I always wonder how many calories does Nathan Drake burn while climbing every time I play Uncharted.

  3. I hate the littles voices in my head – and they are many.

  4. I think second opinions make things even more confusing.

  5. I have an unlimited number of phobias including fear of heights, snakes and rats.

  6. I love to quote other people.

  7. “Writing is rewriting” – my screenwriting teachers (every one of them).

  8. I had a happy childhood and I don’t have a sob story.

  9. Death scares the shit out of me.

  10. I don’t have anything interesting to say today.


Second Thoughts

Coffee Share

– If you could have coffee right now with any person dead or alive, who would you pick?

– Is it possible to change the drink?

– What?

– I don’t like coffee.

– Oh okay. Well that’s fine, you can have tea instead…

– I don’t drink tea.

– It’s really irrelevant. It’s just a metaphor…

– Hot chocolate maybe…

– Seriously I just mean that if you were given…

– But drinking hot chocolate is rather childish!

– If you were given the chance to have a conversation with…

– Do you think alcohol would be suitable for such an occasion?

– Are you even listening to me?

– Like a beer or a cup of wine?

– What?

– Whiskey definitely.

– You are completely missing the point here.

– You know what?

– What?

– I think I’d rather have dinner instead.

 

I’m No Longer Overweight 

I hate to break it to you but this is not an inspirational post. This is not about how I overcame my weight issues and became fit.

On the contrary, this is the very first time I admit that I’m not just slightly overweight, but I am an obese person.

And as trivial as this confession seems to be, it’s been hard for me to admit to myself first and foremost but also to my family and friends – since whenever I’m asked if I’m gaining weight, my answer always is: “no, same old same old”.

Well, that’s obviously a lie because I’m at my highest weight at the moment and lowest levels of energy. I would like to think that this is not entirely my fault because I have been trying my best to exercise regularly, eat in a healthy manner for quite some time now (at least for the past ten years).

My mother would say that a big part of it is due to my lack of determination, in addition to some minor health issues. Yes, maybe she’s right, maybe it is the case. But what I believe is that I ran out patience and lost all hope.

I know that this is not the biggest of issues, there more important things than looks and appearances but that’s not just it.

A lot of people laugh when I tell them that, but in my head, my self-image is thin and fit.

To be honest, I don’t give my weight much thought until I leave the house. And despite how many times I tell myself that I shouldn’t care what other people think, it’s just not possible to ignore people’s comments or stares. Even when the discussion is not about me, whenever the “weight” subject is mentioned, I cannot help but feel judged.

I think my least favorite moment is running into people I haven’t seen in a while because it’s usually the first thing they notice or mention:

“Oh, you’ve gained weight!” Yes, thank you, Mr. Obvious! Now that you have mentioned it and expressed yourself, I became well aware of my state.

Anyway, I’m not here to preach about people or rant or even complain really. This is just a reminder that I cannot lie to myself anymore.

I cannot pretend that I’m not bothered by my situation because as soon as this text is published, I will have to face the actual truth.

So this will count as the day I finally admitted that I am in fact fat.

I am fat and I don’t want to wake up one day, stand on the scale, weight 200 Kg and realize that it’s too late.